Screaming Baby on the Plane: Survival Guide for the Childfree

For those of you who don’t have kids, welcome to your survival guide for dealing with a crying baby on your flight. You know that sound… the high-pitched screaming that starts during takeoff and somehow gets LOUDER as the flight goes on. Let’s talk about some real strategies to keep your sanity at 35,000 feet, where throwing yourself out the emergency exit is not a legal option.

This guide is split into two parts: Baby Prevention (what to do BEFORE you get on the plane to minimize the chances of sitting next to one) and Damage Control (what to do when you’re stuck next to a screaming baby at 35,000 feet).

PART 1: BABY PREVENTION (Before You Board)

This is where you win or lose the battle. What you do before you get on the plane is MORE important than anything you do during the flight. Let’s talk strategy.

Seat Selection: Choose Your Battle 💺 (This Is Literally War)

This is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. When picking a seat, think strategically – like you’re planning a military operation, because essentially, you are. Airlines sometimes even place all families with babies in the same section, creating what I like to call “The Crying Zone” or “Decibel Hell.”

Here’s what you need to know about babies on planes:

• Families with babies almost always sit in the FRONT of the plane (rows 1-10)
• Bulkhead seats (the ones with a wall in front and extra legroom) are baby magnets – airlines let parents attach bassinets there
• The back of the plane usually has fewer families
• Exit rows are adults-only by law (you have to be 15+ to sit there)

Your strategy:

• Book seats in rows 20 and beyond. The further back, the better.
• Exit row seats are great – they’re adults-only! Plus you get extra legroom. Win-win.
• Check SeatGuru.com before you book to see the plane layout
• Window seats are good because you can lean away and sleep against the wall

Pro tip: Red-eye flights (overnight flights) are your friend. Babies might sleep. MIGHT. It’s a gamble, but better odds than a daytime flight.

IMPORTANT – If you’re checking in at the airport: Don’t just use the kiosk! Go to the actual check-in counter and talk to a real person. Tell them politely: “Hi, I’m hoping to sit away from families with young children if possible. Are there any seats available in a quieter section?” (Success rate: About 70-80% of the time, if you ask nicely and there are seats available, they’ll help you out. The worst they can say is no, and you’re no worse off than if you hadn’t asked.)

Noise-Canceling Headphones 🎧: Your New Best Friend (Possibly Your Only Friend)

Invest in noise-canceling headphones. And I don’t mean those $15 gas station specials that basically just muffle the world like you’ve got cotton balls in your ears. I’m talking about the premium stuff – the kind that costs more but is worth every penny when little Timmy discovers his lungs have the power of a jet engine.

Here’s what you need to know:

• Put them on THE SECOND you see a baby on the plane. Don’t wait. Don’t be polite. Just do it.
• Do your research because headphone models change faster than airline luggage rules. For now, I’m trusting this ranking and I’ve tested two from the list myself.
• Charge them fully before your flight. A dead battery mid-flight is basically a death sentence.

What to look for:

• Battery life of at least 20 hours (long flights!)
• Comfortable for extended wear
• ACTIVE noise canceling (not just “noise isolating”)
• Good reviews specifically mentioning blocking out crying

*If you own one of those magical gadgets that can turn a baby’s cry into ocean waves, Beethoven’s 5th, or literally anything else, share your top recommendations in the comments below. Let’s help each other out in the name of peace, quiet and not ending up on a no-fly list for stress-induced rage. 😎😃*

Advanced move: Carry backup headphones. Yes, I’m serious. Because Murphy’s Law states that your primary pair will die exactly when the screaming reaches its crescendo somewhere over Kansas.

Pack Your Emergency Survival Kit 🎒

This is not a regular carry-on situation. This is a mission, and you need your gear ready.

Put together a small bag with all your essentials. This goes in your personal item (backpack or purse), NOT your checked luggage. Think of it as your “Baby Screaming Emergency Kit.”

Your survival kit must include:

• Foam earplugs (the cheap orange ones work great)
• Portable battery + cables (to keep everything charged)
• Eye mask (for blocking out the world and pretending you’re somewhere else)
• Neck pillow (because comfort matters when you’re suffering)
• Small blanket or large scarf (planes are freezing)
• Snacks that last: chocolate, gummy bears, trail mix, crackers, protein bars, gum (for takeoff/landing and stress-chewing)
• Mini bottles of alcohol 😎 (Yes, you can bring these through security! TSA allows bottles 3.4oz/100ml or less. Pack a few airplane bottles of your favorite liquor. When the baby concert starts and the drink cart is nowhere in sight, you’ll thank yourself.)

Technology: Embrace It 📱 (Welcome to Distraction City)

Download movies, TV shows, podcasts, audiobooks, meditation apps, white noise apps, games – basically, download everything your device can hold. Turn your phone or tablet into a potencial distraction fortress.

Download stuff on your phone or tablet BEFORE the flight. Lots of stuff. More than you think you’ll need.

What works best:

• Action movies with lots of explosions (loud enough to hear over crying)
• Comedy shows (laughter is the best medicine, except actual medicine)
• True crime podcasts (hearing about actual problems makes your situation seem better)
• Your favorite music turned up LOUD
• White noise apps (sounds of rain, ocean waves, etc.)
• ASMR (although baby screams are kind of the anti-ASMR, so this might backfire)

Best apps for downloads:

• Netflix (lets you download shows and movies)
• Amazon Prime Video (downloads available)
• Spotify (premium lets you download music)
• Apple TV+ / Disney+ (both allow downloads)
• Podcast apps (Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast)

Shit happens

Sometimes the universe just hates you and puts three babies around you despite your best efforts. Accept this now.

Your mental preparation:

• Tell yourself: “I did everything I could”
• Remind yourself: “The flight will end”
• Have your survival kit ready to deploy
• Know that you have options even mid-flight (we’ll cover this in Part 2)

Part 2: Damage Control

Okay, so you’re on the plane. Despite your best efforts, there’s a baby near you. Or maybe the baby was quiet during boarding but started screaming at takeoff. Whatever happened, you’re now in crisis mode. Here’s how to survive.

The Zen Master Approach 💆‍♀️ (Or: Fake It Till You Make It)

Practice deep breathing. Inhale calm, exhale chaos. Inhale “I am a peaceful traveler,” exhale “WHY WON’T SOMEONE GIVE THAT BABY SOME BENADRYL?” (Note: I don’t actually condone drugging children. But the thought experiment is free therapy😃)

Meditation mantras to try:

• “This too shall pass… in approximately 4 hours and 27 minutes.”
• “I am one with the universe. The baby is also one with the universe. We are all suffering together.”
• “At least I don’t have to change that diaper.”

Okay, this sounds dumb, but it actually helps. When the screaming gets bad, breathe deeply. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Next, try this:

• Close your eyes
• Imagine you’re on a beach (not in seat 23A next to a screaming baby) 🏝️ Breathe in the ocean air (or is that just the recycled plane air mixed with someone’s tuna sandwich?). Visualize palm trees, tropical drinks, and a world where babies are banned from flying until they turn 18.
• Count to 10 slowly
• Repeat until you land or fall asleep

Plus, it’s a good excuse not to talk to the person next to you.

Additional mental games that help:

• Tell yourself “This will end” over and over
• Think about all the quiet places you’ll go after you land
• Remember that at least you don’t have to take that baby home with you

Start Your Entertainment System 🎬

Now is the time to use all that content you downloaded. Watch a comedy special and try to laugh louder than the baby is crying. It’s a power move. Or binge-watch a series so engaging you forget you’re in a metal tube hurtling through the sky with a tiny human alarm system.

What works best:

• For short flights (under 2 hours): Comedy specials or funny TV shows – laughter helps
• For medium flights (2-4 hours): Action movies or engaging dramas – needs to hold attention
• For long flights (4+ hours): Binge a TV series – gets you invested in the story

Pro tip: Pick something you’ve wanted to watch but haven’t seen yet. New content holds your attention better than rewatches.

If the baby is REALLY loud:

• Turn up the volume (as high as safely possible)
• Add subtitles so you don’t miss dialogue
• Choose content with lots of music/sound effects
• Avoid quiet, dialogue-heavy indie films

Here’s a trick: If a baby starts crying during your movie, turn up the volume. Then turn it up more. Then more. You’ll look insane with your phone at max volume, but you also won’t hear the baby. Choose your battle.

Pretend You’re in a Movie Yourself 🎥 (If You’re Crazy Enough)

Imagine you’re in a dramatic movie scene where the hero (that’s you) bravely endures the heart-wrenching cries of a baby. Cue the dramatic music in your head. Perhaps you’re a spy on a critical mission who must maintain their cover. Or a Buddhist monk taking a vow of patience. Or Tom Hanks in literally any movie where he suffers nobly.

Create an entire backstory: You’re actually a secret agent, and this screaming baby is just a test of your pain tolerance threshold. If you can survive this flight without losing it, you’ll be promoted to Double-O status.

Plot twist: The baby is actually a robot sent from the future to test humanity’s breaking point. You’re the chosen one who must prove humans can endure anything. (No pressure.)

Make mental Oscar acceptance speech notes: “I’d like to thank my noise-canceling headphones, the miniature bottles of gin and my inner strength that I didn’t know existed until row 12 became a daycare center.”

Try to Sleep (Even If It Seems Impossible) 😴

Sleeping through a crying baby is the ultimate victory. Here’s how to try.

Your sleep setup:

• Noise-canceling headphones playing white noise or soft music
• Eye mask (blocks out all light)
• Neck pillow (makes sleeping upright possible)
• Blanket or jacket (planes are cold)

Sleep tricks:

• Try sleeping BEFORE the baby gets really wound up
• If you miss that window, wait for a calm period
• Focus on relaxing your body part by part
• Tell yourself “I don’t have to sleep, I just have to rest my eyes”

Reality: You probably won’t sleep great with a screaming baby nearby. But even resting with your eyes closed helps.

The Nuclear Option: Earplugs + Headphones + Volume 🔊

When nothing else works, it’s time for maximum defense.

The ultimate noise-blocking combo:

1. Put in foam earplugs (the cheap orange ones)
2. Put noise-canceling headphones OVER the earplugs
3. Play white noise or music at medium-high volume
4. Add an eye mask
5. Close your eyes and surrender to the void

Why this works: You’re creating multiple layers of sound blocking. It’s not perfect, but it’s the best you can do without drugging yourself.

What it looks like: You look insane. You look like you’re preparing for a bomb. You look like you’ve given up on society. And you know what? That’s fine. Survival isn’t pretty.

The Beverage Cart: Your Mobile Pharmacy 🍷 (Use Responsibly, Obviously)

Let’s be honest …sometimes noise-canceling headphones and deep breathing aren’t enough. This is where the beverage cart becomes your best friend. I’m not suggesting you get drunk at 30,000 feet (okay, maybe I am a little) but a glass of wine or two can take the edge off.

That baby crying? After one drink, it’s just… background noise. After two, it’s almost musical. After three, you’re joining in. (Okay, stop at two.)

The strategy:

• One or two drinks max (you don’t want to be the drunk person who causes a scene)
• Wine or beer works better than hard alcohol on a plane
• Drink water too so you don’t get dehydrated
• Don’t mix with sleeping pills (seriously, don’t)

Snacks Are Therapy 🍿 (Calories Don’t Count at Cruising Altitude)

There’s a scientific principle that calories consumed while experiencing trauma don’t count. (I can’t actually prove this, but I also can’t prove it’s NOT true. 😀)

Why this helps:

• Chewing can actually block out some noise (weird but actually true)
• Eating releases happy chemicals in your brain
• It gives you something to do besides contemplate your suffering
• If your mouth is full, you can’t say mean things out loud 😎

Best airplane snacks:

• Gummy bears (quiet, last forever, taste good)
• Chocolate (improves mood instantly)
• Trail mix (healthy AND tasty)
• Crackers (easy to eat, not messy)

Avoid:

• Anything super smelly (you’re already dealing with a crying baby, don’t make the plane smell like tuna too)
• Anything super crunchy (chips are fine, but don’t bring a whole bag of hard pretzels that you’ll crunch on for 3 hours)

Take Bathroom Breaks (Even If You Don’t Need To Go)

The airplane bathroom is small, cramped, and smells weird. But it’s also QUIET (or at least quieter than your seat).

Use this trick:

• Get up every 30-45 minutes
• Walk to the bathroom
• Splash water on your face
• Take some deep breaths
• Give yourself a pep talk in the mirror
• Walk back slowly

This gives you a break from the noise and helps you stretch. Plus, walking around prevents blood clots on long flights. You’re being healthy! And sane!

Seat Change: A Game of Musical Chairs 🎶 (Or: The Escape Plan)

If all else fails, and you’re really about to lose your shit, scout for a new seat like it’s the last lifeboat on the Titanic. Scan the cabin with the intensity of a predator hunting prey. Look for that beautiful sight: an empty seat far, far away from the source of your torment.

How to do this:

• Wait until the seatbelt sign turns off (we’re desperate, not reckless)
• Walk to the bathroom (this gives you an excuse to look around)
• Spot an empty seat far away from all babies
• Ask a flight attendant nicely if you can move
• Be polite. They deal with crying babies too. They’re on your side.

Important: Just make sure you’re not accidentally moving closer to ANOTHER crying baby … yes, sometimes there’s more than one! ☠️

Final Survival Checklist

BEFORE THE FLIGHT:

• Picked seats in back of plane or exit row
• If checking in at airport, went to counter (not kiosk) and asked to sit away from families
• Booked a less baby-friendly flight time if possible
• Bought/charged noise-canceling headphones
• Downloaded movies, shows, music, podcasts
• Packed snacks, gum, mini liquor bottles
• Brought eye mask and neck pillow
• Prepared mentally for the possibility of babies

DURING THE FLIGHT:

• Stayed calm and didn’t become the second problem
• Headphones on immediately when crying starts
• Entertainment ready to go
• Breathing exercises if needed
• Snacks and drinks available
• Take bathroom breaks
• Asked to change seats if necessary
• Remembered it’s temporary

It WILL End ⏰

Yes, it feels like an eternity. Yes, you’re questioning all your life choices. Right now, it feels like you’ve been listening to screaming for 17 years. But actually it’s been 45 minutes. Time moves weird when you’re in hell.

But remember: It will end!

Eventually, you’ll land. You’ll exit the plane. You’ll breathe fresh air (well, airport air, which is marginally better😀). You’ll go to your destination, have amazing adult-oriented experiences and this flight will become a funny story you tell at parties.

Keep telling yourself:

• “This flight will land”
• “I will get off this plane”
• “Tomorrow I will be [at the beach/in a hotel/drinking wine/anywhere but here]”
• “This is temporary”

After landing:

• You’ll feel relief like you’ve never felt before
• Normal noise levels will feel like silence
• You’ll appreciate quiet in a whole new way
• You’ll have an amazing story
• You earned the right to complain for weeks

We’re All in This Together (Except the Parents, They Have It Worse)

I know, I know. You’re suffering. But here’s the thing – the parents are suffering MORE.

Think about it:

• They can’t use noise-canceling headphones
• Everyone on the plane is judging them
• They’re probably exhausted
• They have to deal with a screaming baby for 24/7, not just this flight
• They can’t move seats
• They probably haven’t slept in months

But that doesn’t mean you can’t employ these survival tactics to make your journey more bearable. You paid for your ticket just like everyone else and you deserve to arrive at your destination with your sanity mostly intact.

The Future: Child-Free Flights Are Coming!

Some airlines are starting to create adult-only sections or even adult-only flights. This is real. This is happening.

Airlines testing this:

• Some Asian airlines already have “quiet zones”
• Budget airlines in Europe are considering it
• Private charter flights offer this (if you’re rich)

How to support this: Book these flights when they’re available. Tell airlines you want this option. Leave reviews saying you’d pay extra for a child-free cabin. Money talks.

Final Words

Look, babies cry. It’s what they do. They’re tiny, their ears hurt, they’re scared, they can’t talk, so they scream their soul out. It sucks for everyone involved.

But you CAN survive this. People do it every single day. You’re going somewhere fun (hopefully), and this flight is just a few hours of your life. Use these tips. Be prepared.

The best part? After you survive a flight with a screaming baby, every other flight feels like a luxury spa experience in comparison. Regular airplane noise? Beautiful. Someone reclining into your space? Whatever.

Basically, crying baby made you stronger. You’ll have an amazing story. You survived. You didn’t snap. You didn’t get arrested. You made it. That baby broke you down and you STILL made it to your destination. You’re basically a warrior.

So gear up, mentally prepare, and remember: what doesn’t kill you makes you really appreciate quiet.

Safe travels, everyone

May your flights be baby-free and your headphones always charged. 🙏

Share your stories!

Have you survived a flight from hell? What helped you get through it? Any tips I missed? Drop them in the comments. Let’s help each other out. We’re all in this together (except the parents, they’re in their own special hell). ✈️